"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL
SITUATIONS,"
Really means: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take
lots of coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON
MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS,"
Really means: I talk too much and like to tell other people
what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER
OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION,"
Really means: I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARDWORKING AND DEPENDABLE,"
Really means: I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE
INCLUDES,"
Really means: I hope you don't ask me about all the
McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK,"
Really means: I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE,"
Really means: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to
co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE,"
Really means: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL,"
Really means: I carry a Franklin Planner.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH
YOUR REQUIREMENTS,"
Really means: You're probably looking for someone more
experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE,"
Really means: I've changed jobs a lot.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED,"
Really means: The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING,"
Really means: I'm a college dropout.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND
CONSIDERATION,"
Really means: Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM
YOU SOON,"
Really means: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for
your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.