Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
*
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
*
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
*
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diets.
*
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
*
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put
them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
*
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
*
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
*
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I
am so far behind, I will never die.
*
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
*
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
*
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling."
**caution - leave air holes.
*
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
*
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
*
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
*
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
*
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm
doing, someone else does.
*
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
*
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
*
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
*
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
*
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing.
*
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
*
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
*
WOMEN: Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We
now have power surges.
*
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks
two sizes.
*
Age is important only if you're a cheese.
*
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
*
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
*
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.