The pastor's sermon begins: "Let me tell you about my book..."

The music minister announces that the liturgy will be sung to the
tune of "Wagner's Etude in F sharp minor" and raises his baton.

When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to
being in tune.

New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 5 years.

The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".

You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10
suggestions or offers to let you "pick any six."

The Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the
elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.

The New Member's kit includes a certificate of membership,
a Bible, church-by-laws, and an assault rifle.

You're the only person in the congregation who is carrying a Bible,
including the preacher.

The Ushers ask "Smoking or non-smoking?"

The regular pastoral retreats almost always seem to be in either Las
Vegas or Atlantic City.

The Church bus has a gun rack.

There's an ATM machine in the vestibule.

They have open Communion ...but there is a two-drink minimum.