Business News: Continuing the current trend back towards
turn-of-the-century monopolies, it was announced today at a press
conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever
since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available
at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve
days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive
for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able
to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of
Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are
expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest
hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A
great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the
more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus
and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their
gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for
at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children
could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for
dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared
to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except
for Santa's dentist.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of
Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that
were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between
Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of
the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa
will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."