Four Words: Associate Pastor Don King.

The pastor is introduced with a Johnny Carson style "Heeeeere's Sparky."

Just before the sermon, cups of strong black coffee are distributed
along the pews.

The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon.

The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.

The band for the services has a tip jar on the loudspeaker and all the
songs are about money.

They have a volunteer blood drive in the morning service - that is to
be used for some vague purpose in the evening service.

The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.

The Choir wears black leather robes.

They have Karaoke worship time.

The sanctuary has only entrances, no "exits"!

The ushers look mysteriously like "Men in Black"! (Yes,
with sunglasses)

The offering plate has been passed three times and the
sermon hasn't even begun yet.

The people in the pew next to you brought a sack lunch.

The acolyte is the youngest member of the congregation,
and she is 76.